I was so freaked out last week that I sought a new therapist. I told her I wanted a sanity check. After 45 minutes of giving her a laundry list of past issues still needing work after all these years , I found myself mentioning the big one. Funny that often happens in therapy sessions or encounter groups. The real problem emerges just when time is running out.
“Self-esteem issues, nah,” I said in response to a question.
“I actually think the writing that is now on my website is good, if not great. Everyone whose seen it says my ‘invisible grandparent’ concept is great: the healing I suggest is important work. It’s what’s keeping me from putting it out there that is stopping me.”
Yikes. Do I have fear of blogging? Does the technology escape me? Do I really want to spend 5-6 hours a day on a computer responding to messages on Facebook? Or Twitter? Nah …twitter is completely out. I could never say anything in less than 140 characters.
After almost 40 years of declaring I wanted to be a writer, of wanting to see my fictionalized memoir published; with volumes on computer of my journey from the physical to the spiritual with sexuality as the vehicle; proposals for three books out and back from agents over the years, I still haven’t done what it takes. Is this bad luck, poor timing with the economy tanked and no one buying books anymore, or something deeper within myself? What has really been keeping me from going completely public with ‘my stuff?’ From putting up a block of my own hard earned insights that could catch on and draw the millions of hits I’ve fantasized about?
Is it fear of being naked in front of not only my friends but the world?
Fear of judgment? Criticism? Or could it be fear of success?
God I don’t know. All I know is I have to find a way to let those irrational yet very real fears NOT stop me. Now is the time. Now is all we’ve got. Feel the fear and do it anyway Pat.
So here goes! There I did it. Only 365 words. Stay tuned.