Stillness, My Final Fronteir ..still

Thursday January 5th 2011

After three days of writing an article on deadline for Crone, a new magazine on women of ‘age,’ brushing off exhaustion, I decided to start the New Year by keeping my resolution to NOT check e-mail til I’d written at least one blog or letter for Invisible Grandparent. That was 2 ½ hours ago.

Meanwhile, I couldn’t find my handwritten instructions as to how to put up a blog. So liking the silence, I found myself reading about meditation, and the difficulty of being still, and letting creativity flow from the voices one can find after numbing the Western monkey-mind chatter. Simple: just focus on the breath Pat, and ‘JUST’ let the thoughts come and go.

I sat upright on the carpeted stairs in the sunlight, reading about, not actually ‘doing’ meditation, and an hour passed. Though the numbers said I’d read about 20 pages, I think I fell asleep.

Ordinary Magic: Everyday Life as Spiritual Path a book given to me by a dear friend for Christmas, had an introduction that hit home. All of the big boy and girl authors: Thich Nhat Hanh, Ram Dass, Stephen Levine, Pema Chodron, Natalie Goldberg, Deena Metzger … said ‘all’ we need to do is find that ‘still small voice within.’  But when I do that, I can’t find it, all I hear is a cacophony of ringing in my ears! This time it put me to sleep.

Who am I kidding? It was years six years ago I challenged myself to Ten Days at Meditation Boot Camp and learned Vipassana at a Buddhist retreat. One of the hardest things I’ve ever done. And I was quite peaceful for a time afterwards. But keep it up? Not yet. Stillness may be my final frontier, still. May the illusive concept of peace of mind get closer and closer … now there’s a New Years Resolution that’s a bit more accurate for me.

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